for as long as i can remember, i've always worried at my fingers. I'd bite my nails sometimes, but mostly I picked and pulled and bit and tore at the skin around my fingernails.
My parents tried to stop me.
You won't look very nice if you grow up with raggedy fingers. you don't want people to think you're dirty, do you?
But I could never stop.
I have also always found it really hard to let wounds heal. I'll pick and pull at every scratch or cut or scrape. Everything takes forever to heal on me because I can't leave it alone. My fingers are constantly moving across my skin, and if i feel a catch or some texture i can't leave it alone until it's gone. I'll even wake up in the morning with my fingers bloody because I've chewed them through the night. When I'm stressed out, it gets much worse.
I've tried a lot of things to change this:
bitter oil on fingers
Ugh. that tastes awful.
Welp
Just get a manicure! You won't want to ruin it so you'll have to stop fussing at your hands.
Spinner ring
spin spin chew chew.
I eventually talked to my psychiatrist about it.
It's called dermatillomaina. It's an obsessive behaviour related to anxiety. It's not particularly responsive to medication, but it can be addressed through CBT to reduce the severity. Most people who are diagnosed will always have the compulsion though.
This disorder does elevate my risk for some things:
Open wounds pose a constant infection risk, including with intimate partners - i use gloves a lot.
And having my fingers in my mouth creates a disease vector from the environment to me, and from me to anyone in my environment.
I risk a lot of scarring because I can't let things heal naturally.
I try to keep these risks in mind, and mostly I deal with it. I'm not trying to make it better right now - it's a coping mechanism and a soothing behaviour that is wired into my brain.
Skin picking is a good example of an obsessive brain disorder - I'd really rather not hurt myself, but I do it without even thinking. I don't talk about it a lot, but it's a constant element in my life. It's a part of me, and I'm doing my best to figure out how to be me in the healthiest way I can, dermatillomania and all.
