This Metaphor for Consent Might Be Just the Thing You Need to Make It Click
July 18, 2016 by Robot Hugs
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Can the way consent works change over the course of a relationship?
What if you’re in a long-term relationship – do you still have to get your partner’s explicit consent before every sexual activity, and how do you make sure you still have consent if it’s not explicitly expressed in words?
These are some of the questions that can make the concept of consent confusing. So here’s a comic with some super clear answers.
Gear up to build the Consent Castle! It’s an awesome metaphor for how to establish consent before and during intimacy – and how to change the negotiation terms as you build a relationship.
We hope this can give you and the people you share it with a solid foundation for fun, healthy, and mutually satisfying intimate relationships.
With Love,
The Editors at Everyday Feminism
consent1 consent2 consent3
Click for the Transcript
Title: Building Consent Castles
Panel 1
Robot Hugs (RH): My partner and I give workshops on consent. We talk a lot about consent activities – things to think about and things you can talk about to establish consent before and during intimacy.
Panel 2
(checklist of items to talk about)
Checklist text: Talking, texts, emails, checking in before, checking in during, checking in after, touch, body language, sharing fantasies, setting boundaries and limits, safe words, power dynamics, drug and alcohol use, emotional and mental state, triggers
Panel 3
(two people talking)
Dan: Wait a minute! I’ve been with my wife for 15 years. There’s no way we cover all of this every time we have sex! We usually don’t even explicitly ask each other! Are you saying that we’re not having consensual sex??
RH: Of course not!
Panel 4
RH: When we talk about these activities, we’re often talking about new relationships or pick-up sex and play. The truth is, the way we practice consent changes as we build relationships.
Panel 5
Text: Consent isn’t a checkbox.
(checkmark in a box beside the word ‘yes’)
Person 1: Consent achieved! Onwards!
Panel 6
Text: And it isn’t just a legal entity.
Judge: I now deem this encounter officially consensual.
Panel 7
(Dan and RH)
RH: (holding a wrench with the word ‘consent’ on it) Consent is a tool to build strong intimate, sexual, and romantic relationships! When you start out practicing careful and explicit consent, you’re building a Consent Castle that you can both enjoy!
Dan: Consent Castle?
Panel 8
(RH in front of a castle.)
RH: It’s my favorite consent metaphor. It goes like this:
Panels 9 & 10
Text: You’ve met someone awesome, and you decide you want to build a castle together/plan some sexy times. You’ll probably talk about what you want and what you don’t want.
Panel 9
(Pair of people talking)
Steph: I’ve been thinking about a drawbridge…
Kat: Oooh, and a moat!
Panel 10
(2nd pair of people talking.)
Bobbi: I’d really love to give you a blow job.
Chris: I’m not really into getting oral, but I love giving it…
Panels 11 & 12
Text: You might even draw up some diagrams:
(1st pair talking about a drawing in Panel 11 and 2nd pair talking about a drawing in Panel 12)
Steph & Chris: So I was thinking about…
Kat & Bobbi: Ooooh! That looks neat.
Panels 13 & 14
Text: You can talk about your experiences.
Panel 13
Kat: I’ve never worked with sandstone before.
Steph: That’s okay! I’ll give you some tips.
Panel 14
Chris: I’ve never really tried muffing before.
Bobbi: I’ll talk you through it. We can go slow.
Panels 15 & 16
Text: And it’s a good idea to check in to see how it’s going.
Panel 15
(1st pair talking. Steph is holding a paint roller.)
Steph: What do you think about the color so far?
Kat: I love it!
Panel 16
(2nd pair is talking and doing intimate things.)
Chris: How does this feel? Is it okay?
Bobbi: It’s good, maybe go a little faster?
Panel 17
(Steph and Kat on a construction site, wearing hardhats and shaking hands.)
Text: The point is, when you’re building something with someone, you usually start out being really careful. You use scaffolding, and wear hardhats and steel-toed boots. You communicate a lot to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Panel 18
RH: It might seem like a lot of work, but it’s also a lot of fun! You’re building something that you’re both going to enjoy.
Panels 19 & 20
Text: You don’t have to take these precautions, and maybe everything will be okay. But maybe…
Panel 19
(Steph looks concerned as a brick falls on Kat’s head.)
Kat: Owww!
Panel 20
(Bobbi is concerned and Chris is upset.)
Chris: That – that wasn’t what I wanted to happen.
Bobbi: I’m sorry.
Panel 21
(Steph and Kat sitting in chairs by a fire. Steph is using a tablet and Kat is reading.)
Text: As you build your castle, you’ll finish rooms, and you’ll both get used to the space. If you’ve built it right, you don’t have to wear hard hats all the time, because it becomes a safe, comfortable, familiar space.
Panel 22
(Chris is grabbing Bobbi’s butt.)
Text: As you establish a relationship based on consent, you learn what your partner likes and dislikes, and you may find that you’re doing sexy or intimate things without explicitly talking about it at all.
Chris: Come here, you!
Bobbi: tee-hee!
Panels 23 & 24
Text: The great thing about consent castles is that they are always works in progress. You may need to do some maintenance.
Panel 23
(Steph and Kat are looking at a chipped wall.)
Steph: Hmm, I think this needs a new coat of paint.
Kat: mhm.
Panel 24
(Chris is shyly talking to Bobbi, who is listening and offering support.)
Chris: I’ve been feeling really self-concious about my body during sex lately.
Bobbi: Okay – can I help with those feelings?
Panel 25
(Steph and Kat are on a construction site. Steph is on scaffolding and Kat is on the ground with a diagram, giving directions.)
Text: You might want to add a new room, or refurbish an old one. In that case, you put your hard hats back on and plan things out a little more carefully.
Panel 26
(Chris is proposing a sexy idea to Bobbi, who is giving feedback.)
Text: Similarly, you may want to add something new to your relationship. That’s the time where you slow down and start talking things through again to make sure you’re both excited and having fun.
Chris: I think… I think I’d like to try using a strap-on with you.
Bobbi: That might be fun! What does that look like for you?
Panel 27
RH: I use the Consent Castle metaphor because I think it’s a good illustration of how consent and healthy relationships reinforce each other.
Panel 28
(Dan and RH are talking)
RH: I don’t know anyone in a long-term relationship who always explicitly and fully negotiates sex and intimacy with their partners, every single time.
Panel 29
(RH talking in front of a castle.)
RH: But my experience is that by being careful and deliberate with consent early with someone new, you build a solid foundation for a mutually satisfying relationship.
Panel 30
(RH wearing construction gear and fishnet stockings, and holding a hammer and a diagram.)
RH: So gear up! Because this is going to be a lot of fun…
