Transcript

So we're taking a vacation to New York in a few weeks. Last time we were there we didn't have a lot of opportunity to look around.

We did have one of the best meals of our lives...

That's it. I'm dead now.
I can never eat again. All other food is meaningless.

So we'll be going there again for sure.

And...

There's a place that makes custom suits. They specialize in queer and trans people. I'm going to go for a consultation to see if they can make me a small personalized wardrobe.

....I don't know how to talk about this.

I never thought I'd be in a place where my gender felt so dislocated from my body.

I'm non-binary, and I'm happy with the way I'm shaped!

But now when I look at the mirror, I feel like I'm seeing static.

There are medical things I could do - hormone therapy, surgery...

But that doesn't feel like the path for me.

Nothing fits on this body right now, and nothing feels right.

And there's this tailor that is familiar with these shapes and bodies. Someone I can talk to rather than have to explain and educate.

Someone I can say 'This is what I want to feel. This is how I want to be seen.'

...I made this plan a while ago, but I've felt weirdly ashamed of talking about it.

I mean, it's just clothes right? How shallow is that?

But I need to do something to affirm this messed up, complicated gender I'm holding.

I want to reconcile with my body, not fight against it. After all, we're in it for the long haul.

I've been trying to be quiet and practical and easy about this. I want something special. I want to do something to acknowledge my gender. I don't really feel like I can take up space in these communities. I can only write my own story.

I'm so tired of being sensible and easy.

...you're not that sensible or easy.

I KNOW OK

Anyways I guess the short version is I'm going to New York as a vacation but also Do Some Gender Work and it's complicated. And I feel complicated about it.

Being complicated is part of this journey. Might as well own it.

The Genderers New Clothes

Posted on May 3, 2018 by Robot Hugs
New Comic! This isn't really that complicated - I'm going to get some fancy clothes - but it's weird how it feels complicated. It's so wrapped up in this growing sense of discomfort and dislocation and...well, dysmorphia, I guess. I feel like it's silly to be feeling so weird about it, and silly to be pinning a bunch of my hopes on it for resolving some of my feelings about my gender. But I'm also excited and hopeful. Sometimes when people hear the idea of 'gender is performance', they think of 'performance' as something shallow and frivolous and fake, like the actor in a play. They think it means we're saying 'gender is meaningless, everyone is acting'. That's not what it really means - Gender and Performance is talking about the way that you feel gender on the inside, and the things you do on the outside to communicate and validate it. When I was trying to figure out my gender stuff I was asking the people around me if there were performative things that would make them feel disjointed and wrong, genderwise. The responses were interesting - one woman said if she cut her long hair, that would feel wrong. One man said he'd feel genderweird if he was wearing lipstick. Hair and Lipstick don't have gender - anyone can wear them - but they were part of the way that these people felt and presented their gender. So I guess I've been missing some performance. I've been missing some alignment - I have an internal identity, and the things I'm wearing feel badly fitting and badly draped and like they're made for someone else, and that's messing with my sense of gender identity. So I'm going to get new clothes, made by someone who deals with these issues for a living. I'm outsourcing the solution. Anyways, yous all have been with me for a chunk of this journey so I guess I'll bring you along for this little one as well.