Pronoun Do’s and Don’ts
When someone asks you to use a different pronoun:
Don’t:
What? ‘Zie’ isn’t a real pronoun – don’t you have something more normal that you use?
But it’s not grammatically correct to use ‘they’ as a singular pronoun.
Why?
You are not the being asked to evaluate this person’s gender identity or terminology.
Also, I have not yet witnessed a version of this conversation in which the person arguing is actually correct.
Don’t:
Ooooh….I’ll tryyyyy but I’m warning you I’m going to mess that up so much.
Why:
We know you will. Everyone does, at least at first. But it’s boring to be reminded right up front about how difficult and inconvenient our genders are to you.
Do:
I don’t believe in this whole ‘gender theory’ transgender thing.
Why?
So I can decide immediately not to waste my time with an ignorant asshole like you.
Do:
I’m not familiar with those pronouns. Could you go over them with me so I know I’m using them right?
Do:
Oh, of course. I’ll do my best!
When you accidentally misgender someone:
Don’t
She – I mean he! He. Oh my god
(it’s ok)
I am so SO SO sorry
(don’t worry about it)
I didn’t mean it you know I’m the LAST person who
(it’s FINE)
Why:
Your mistake should not turn into a weird self-flagellation ‘make me feel better’ moment. It’s really not about you.
Do:
She – I mean he, sorry – and I used to…
Do:
(if necessary, probably in private)
Hey man, I know I keep messing up this pronoun thing, I promise I’m doing my best. Thanks for your patience so far.
Do:
Practice!
Greg is my friend, I’ve known him for 7 years. He works in landscaping and he has 3 dogs…
When you deliberately misgender someone:
Don’t.
When someone asks you your preferred pronouns:
Don’t:
Can’t you tell?? What are you trying to imply???
Why:
This person is trying to show you respect and courtesy by not making assumptions about how you identify, don’t be rude in return.
Do:
I use she/her, thanks for asking! Yourself?
